somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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