I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
