YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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