Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize