matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
