i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
