I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
