i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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