Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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