Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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