Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
