I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
