I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
