I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
