i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
