how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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