I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
