watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
