a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
