The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
