Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize