Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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