sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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