I want to make a zoo with you.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
