Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She bit a glass in half.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
