I murdered the dance floor call the cops
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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