I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
