I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize