I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
