I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
And then my night got REAL pukey
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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