I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
