also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize