Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I pour the whiskey from now on
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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