i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
