I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize