you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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