Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
