I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Michael Bay diarrhea
only if we run a train.
done.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
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