You just made me feel so damn special
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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