We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
