I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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