True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
