I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
