Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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