Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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