My sheets look like a crime scene.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
