Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Boobs speak an international language.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
