If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
And then he peed in my hair
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