I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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