What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize