my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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