I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Im part way to drunk.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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