DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
