1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize