Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
