Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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