omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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