I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
