I didn't shave. On purpose
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
