My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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