Your dad touched me again.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
you had me at cake vodka
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
