i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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