matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
