Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
thus making me awesome and them whores
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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