Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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